working working working

its been 2 weeks since I started working at the grocery store. I love it. I can still talk to people, harrass peeps occasionally, and I dont take anything home with me. nothing. nada. Being able to say that for the first time in 20 years is a freeing feeling.  the weights are lifted off of my shoulders. I no longer take bodies home with me, small children that are dirty with mothers who dont care, people who dont care about themselves. I can see that my customers are troubled, tired, worried, but I dont have that relationship with them to be able to ask what is wrong. the limited time I have with them only allows me to ask how they are. whether thay lie and say they are ok, I am not sure. I dont have to know. I dont have to fix anything while they are in my line. its not my job anymore. I have freed myself of the Caretaker role, the fixer of problems, the rescuer.
Dont get me wrong, I love having people contact. being able to say hello and maybe have some fun while they are in my line. I love that. and then they leave. they go back to their lives that they had before they came in and I dont have any role in that. and thats ok.
I am taking a much needed break from the medical world.  I release a sigh of relief.
I went to the hospital the other day. my focus was on my friend and not on my issues. I saw some coworkers and they were all glad to see me, asking me what I have been doing.  I also got some feedback on facebook of some peeps that missed seeing me! boy that felt good! anyway, as I was there, I noteiced that I was not anxious, freaked out or had the feeling that I needed to leave. The door that God closed remains closed, and the difference is that I am able to walk away. I no longer feel the need to stand at the door, screaming and crying and beating on the door wanting desparately to get back in. I have successfully turned my back on the door, have walked away and have not looked back. I am calm and comfortable, easy in my skin settling into my new endeavors. praise God for small favors.....

cats new adventure

well it has happened. the money well has started to dry up. the bills are still getting paid, but the tanks are low. I knew I needed to get a job, and that I could not spend my days just knitting. the thought of going back to be a nurse to people who didnt want my help,didnt care about getting better,or wanting the best care without paying for it was very unappealing. working in the ed opened my eyes to the dark side of the world. the general public wants something for nothing, good medical care despite not having the money to pay for it, and cheese and crackers too. I felt more like a waitress (and I have the most respect for my waitress friends) getting warm blankets and condiments only to make their stay more like a hotel than a hospital. dont get my wrong. I dont hate nursing. I love taking care of people that  who really need my help;those so sick that I really have to use all that I have learned in my career. Im not asking for bowing or kissing of my feet, but being thanked more often, being recognezed for all the good I have done and yet to do, always makes even the toughest job easier.
so I made the decision to NOT go back into nursing.  the adventure begins at the checkout at my local D&W.  I will still be in the public Eye, out there talking to them and helping them. but now I dont need to know what meds they are on, how long they have been sick or how bad their pain is. not that I dont care, I do, I just dont have enough care inside to care on the outside. my tanks are empty,there isnt enough for me to share with the public. maybe i'll go back, when I can know in my heart that I am ready to face the ills of the world, be able to listen with compassion and empathy. for now, im good to ask "did you find everything today"