time to clean the clutter

time to clean the clutter

Its spring in michigan. You couldnt tell by the weather  here lately, though. Apparently, Mother Nature  (to wit my kids both tell me that Mother Nature is God...) hasnt quite decided to let us have some warmer weather and sun that lasts more than one day.  I can see the beginnings of spring; the buds are on the trees, there are sprouts of last years plants reaching for the sky, and of course the grime and junk that is left over from the winter.
For some reason today, cleaning out the kitchen cupboards was the thing to do.  It was almost automatic.
Through the window I can hear my chickens clucking, while I have my ipod playing my favorite music in the background.
As I take out all of the small appliances, trays, kids paint, and other aquired items in my cabinets, I think of who gave it to me and when. For some there is a story behind it and for others it was a junking find that at the time, I Had To Have It. Because I Didnt Know When I Would Need It.  Thats how my world has functioned. I have done this kind of cleaning before and have looked at something that has traveled with me over a few states, and thought "I cant get rid of this, I might need it later" How much of ourselves do we keep for a later use? How difficult it is to get rid of issues and bad habits that we know we dont need, nor do we have any real reason to keep it, yet we hang onto it.  I supposed it is a comfort to have what we know, like a couch that has really bad cushions, but it is so comfortable, despite the fact we have pain when we get up from sitting.
I know for the longest time, I held onto behaviors that were not the even the closest to being healthy, but it was what I learned as a child. They got me through some really terrible times and awful moments. I have slowly learned that I dont have to keep what is painful and what no longer works.  I can let them go, to fly by themselves, to finally be free. And in return I can be free. Free to clear the clutter not only from my house, my heart, my soul and my life.
Long ago when I was fired from the hospital, I had awesome dreams, that I could fly; weightless, soaring above everything. I was no longer held down by stress, fear and pain.   I was finally free.
A year later, I am cleaning up the rest of my life.  I am flying free.

rain

Rain. Water from the sky from Gods own watering can.  It cleanses the salt and sand from the road, clearing all of the dirt from winter, washing the dust and dirt from the truck, or cleaning away the leftover snow. It has great power when put into specific conditions. It can annihilate a town, yet feed it as well. It is sustaining yet destructive. I sit at my computer watching the rain outside; how it falls staight down, pelting the railing and drenching the flag. The flag the stands for the freedom that I have to be able to sit and write.
My backyard is now full of water because the ground is still cold and saturated from winter. It is sometimes diffucult to remember that even though the sky is gray and full of clouds, that somewhere the sun is shining. Somewhere else someone is feeling the warmth of the sun that I wish I could feel now.
But as the rain falls, I think about what will grow later. I will try to be a gardner this year, producing food for my family.
The children are sad that it is rainging, having played outside for a couple of hours before it started raining. We have new neighbors, so now I can bribe them with getting their chores done before going outside. My children now have other children with which to play. This summer is going to be good for them; learning how to play in a group, writing adventures, and memories for the rest of their lives.
But for now those adventures will have to wait til the rain is done. 

pivotal

I have been a parent for the past almost 11 years. Sometimes it feels a lot longer and there even those days that the the almost 8 years for the second son should be added on. My husband and I have gone about our parenting days, attempting to mold the little minds that we have been given so that they will survive in the world. We teach manners, right and wrong, dont chew with our mouth full, and when to wipe. Up until now, life has been easy. (and easy is a relative thing...) There have no major issues; connor is grossed out by naked girls/women, and really has no desire to "like" anyone. I'm okay with that.
Deoderant and the consistant wearing of it is at times a struggle. As is brushing teeth. I have told both of them that I reserve the right to say "I told ya so" when the dentist says " You have a Cavity".
We have come to a crossroads now. Both boys are in public school in our school district. And up wuntil now, there have not been any issues with either on of my boys. Fear of the future has now set in, knowing that Connor will "graduate" onto 6th grade. I am not so sure he is ready. Now, every child goes through the Im Not Ready for this stage. My fear lies in the fact that I dont know if 5th grade has been or is now preparing them for what lies ahead. Academically. Socially. It is  hard to have two bookends hold up books when one of them is soft. I feel that connors teacher is not holding up her side of the bargain.  And I think that my son is not the only one that is suffering. My friend disagrees with me totally, and seemed to put it on me; that we werent holding up the end of our deal.  I supposed that could be true, I am not perfect and cannot always remember everything. The teacher sees him more than I do and I thought that she would have been a bit more involved in reminding and shaping. Maybe my expectations of the teacher is too high and I am lacking in teacher/parental skills. Hes my first ya know.
We have to decide whether to keep the boys in a traditional school and hope for the best;that Connor will "get it" and it will all kick in, or we try another school. I have to do what is best for my children, providing the best education, skills and shaping that I can. Hopefully with the guidance that we are recieving, we will make the right choice for our boys. And hopefully they wont hate us for it.

working working working

its been 2 weeks since I started working at the grocery store. I love it. I can still talk to people, harrass peeps occasionally, and I dont take anything home with me. nothing. nada. Being able to say that for the first time in 20 years is a freeing feeling.  the weights are lifted off of my shoulders. I no longer take bodies home with me, small children that are dirty with mothers who dont care, people who dont care about themselves. I can see that my customers are troubled, tired, worried, but I dont have that relationship with them to be able to ask what is wrong. the limited time I have with them only allows me to ask how they are. whether thay lie and say they are ok, I am not sure. I dont have to know. I dont have to fix anything while they are in my line. its not my job anymore. I have freed myself of the Caretaker role, the fixer of problems, the rescuer.
Dont get me wrong, I love having people contact. being able to say hello and maybe have some fun while they are in my line. I love that. and then they leave. they go back to their lives that they had before they came in and I dont have any role in that. and thats ok.
I am taking a much needed break from the medical world.  I release a sigh of relief.
I went to the hospital the other day. my focus was on my friend and not on my issues. I saw some coworkers and they were all glad to see me, asking me what I have been doing.  I also got some feedback on facebook of some peeps that missed seeing me! boy that felt good! anyway, as I was there, I noteiced that I was not anxious, freaked out or had the feeling that I needed to leave. The door that God closed remains closed, and the difference is that I am able to walk away. I no longer feel the need to stand at the door, screaming and crying and beating on the door wanting desparately to get back in. I have successfully turned my back on the door, have walked away and have not looked back. I am calm and comfortable, easy in my skin settling into my new endeavors. praise God for small favors.....

cats new adventure

well it has happened. the money well has started to dry up. the bills are still getting paid, but the tanks are low. I knew I needed to get a job, and that I could not spend my days just knitting. the thought of going back to be a nurse to people who didnt want my help,didnt care about getting better,or wanting the best care without paying for it was very unappealing. working in the ed opened my eyes to the dark side of the world. the general public wants something for nothing, good medical care despite not having the money to pay for it, and cheese and crackers too. I felt more like a waitress (and I have the most respect for my waitress friends) getting warm blankets and condiments only to make their stay more like a hotel than a hospital. dont get my wrong. I dont hate nursing. I love taking care of people that  who really need my help;those so sick that I really have to use all that I have learned in my career. Im not asking for bowing or kissing of my feet, but being thanked more often, being recognezed for all the good I have done and yet to do, always makes even the toughest job easier.
so I made the decision to NOT go back into nursing.  the adventure begins at the checkout at my local D&W.  I will still be in the public Eye, out there talking to them and helping them. but now I dont need to know what meds they are on, how long they have been sick or how bad their pain is. not that I dont care, I do, I just dont have enough care inside to care on the outside. my tanks are empty,there isnt enough for me to share with the public. maybe i'll go back, when I can know in my heart that I am ready to face the ills of the world, be able to listen with compassion and empathy. for now, im good to ask "did you find everything today"

living in the days

Its been since the end of january "worked" at a real job. now I say this because I was getting paid for being a nurse. the long hours and crabby patients took their tole on me and I didnt even know it. I have become more relaxed and comfortable staying at home, something I never thought I would do. I look forward to the quiet of the day. not that I dont like my children being at home, but I cannot get any "work"done. I look at "work" differently now. it is the knitting crocheting I do when the house just has me and the dog. most times its so quiet in the house I can hear the chickens outside scrounging for food or having their conversations.
It has become natural for me to be at home. I am not really looking forward to going back to work, but know that I will have to To Make Money. the fantasy part of me thought that I could just not go back to work. that would be a great idea if we sold the house, gave up the yard, the chickens, and the rest of our lovely quiet life. the idea is devastating.
It is unrealistic to think that it would work, not only because to sell the house would take forever, we would never find the Perfect House for our family in a subdivision and lets face it......it was not in Gods plan. if it was, we would have sold the house years ago.
I am living in Gods Plan these days. It is what I need to do now that the control I thought I had is gone. when God is ready for me to know His plan, then He will let me know what He wants for me and from me.

back to school

Its that time of year again when the school bells ring. the rushing of feet to their classes and the parents say their last goodbyes before the children walk into the classrooms. once again the first bell means you've got a few minutes to run to class. the second one, forget it you're late.
but today is different. the halls are filled with fear and excitement; new teachers, new schedule, a new day. no more summer days of sleeping til the crack of 7am, watching cartoons until mom rolls out of bed at 1000. no more playing outside til dark. no more staying up until 10pm, begging for another story to be read.
my children, christian 7yrs and connor 10yrs old started that new day today. connor of course hid the fact he was just a little freaked out. at the ripe old age of 10, giving mom hugs and kisses is WAY not Cool. "my friends might see me mom!" is what I get instead. christian on the other hand fights back the tears and says I'm okay. although I know different, nd go back to his room to make sure he is not a ball of tears.
thankfully he is just playing away not really acknowledging me as he looks up. and while it stabs at my heart for just a minute, I am glad that he is strong enough to be himself and not cling to me for safety.
my boys are growing before my eyes and I cannot stop it. I can only prepare them for what lies ahead.