working working working

its been 2 weeks since I started working at the grocery store. I love it. I can still talk to people, harrass peeps occasionally, and I dont take anything home with me. nothing. nada. Being able to say that for the first time in 20 years is a freeing feeling.  the weights are lifted off of my shoulders. I no longer take bodies home with me, small children that are dirty with mothers who dont care, people who dont care about themselves. I can see that my customers are troubled, tired, worried, but I dont have that relationship with them to be able to ask what is wrong. the limited time I have with them only allows me to ask how they are. whether thay lie and say they are ok, I am not sure. I dont have to know. I dont have to fix anything while they are in my line. its not my job anymore. I have freed myself of the Caretaker role, the fixer of problems, the rescuer.
Dont get me wrong, I love having people contact. being able to say hello and maybe have some fun while they are in my line. I love that. and then they leave. they go back to their lives that they had before they came in and I dont have any role in that. and thats ok.
I am taking a much needed break from the medical world.  I release a sigh of relief.
I went to the hospital the other day. my focus was on my friend and not on my issues. I saw some coworkers and they were all glad to see me, asking me what I have been doing.  I also got some feedback on facebook of some peeps that missed seeing me! boy that felt good! anyway, as I was there, I noteiced that I was not anxious, freaked out or had the feeling that I needed to leave. The door that God closed remains closed, and the difference is that I am able to walk away. I no longer feel the need to stand at the door, screaming and crying and beating on the door wanting desparately to get back in. I have successfully turned my back on the door, have walked away and have not looked back. I am calm and comfortable, easy in my skin settling into my new endeavors. praise God for small favors.....

cats new adventure

well it has happened. the money well has started to dry up. the bills are still getting paid, but the tanks are low. I knew I needed to get a job, and that I could not spend my days just knitting. the thought of going back to be a nurse to people who didnt want my help,didnt care about getting better,or wanting the best care without paying for it was very unappealing. working in the ed opened my eyes to the dark side of the world. the general public wants something for nothing, good medical care despite not having the money to pay for it, and cheese and crackers too. I felt more like a waitress (and I have the most respect for my waitress friends) getting warm blankets and condiments only to make their stay more like a hotel than a hospital. dont get my wrong. I dont hate nursing. I love taking care of people that  who really need my help;those so sick that I really have to use all that I have learned in my career. Im not asking for bowing or kissing of my feet, but being thanked more often, being recognezed for all the good I have done and yet to do, always makes even the toughest job easier.
so I made the decision to NOT go back into nursing.  the adventure begins at the checkout at my local D&W.  I will still be in the public Eye, out there talking to them and helping them. but now I dont need to know what meds they are on, how long they have been sick or how bad their pain is. not that I dont care, I do, I just dont have enough care inside to care on the outside. my tanks are empty,there isnt enough for me to share with the public. maybe i'll go back, when I can know in my heart that I am ready to face the ills of the world, be able to listen with compassion and empathy. for now, im good to ask "did you find everything today"

living in the days

Its been since the end of january "worked" at a real job. now I say this because I was getting paid for being a nurse. the long hours and crabby patients took their tole on me and I didnt even know it. I have become more relaxed and comfortable staying at home, something I never thought I would do. I look forward to the quiet of the day. not that I dont like my children being at home, but I cannot get any "work"done. I look at "work" differently now. it is the knitting crocheting I do when the house just has me and the dog. most times its so quiet in the house I can hear the chickens outside scrounging for food or having their conversations.
It has become natural for me to be at home. I am not really looking forward to going back to work, but know that I will have to To Make Money. the fantasy part of me thought that I could just not go back to work. that would be a great idea if we sold the house, gave up the yard, the chickens, and the rest of our lovely quiet life. the idea is devastating.
It is unrealistic to think that it would work, not only because to sell the house would take forever, we would never find the Perfect House for our family in a subdivision and lets face it......it was not in Gods plan. if it was, we would have sold the house years ago.
I am living in Gods Plan these days. It is what I need to do now that the control I thought I had is gone. when God is ready for me to know His plan, then He will let me know what He wants for me and from me.

back to school

Its that time of year again when the school bells ring. the rushing of feet to their classes and the parents say their last goodbyes before the children walk into the classrooms. once again the first bell means you've got a few minutes to run to class. the second one, forget it you're late.
but today is different. the halls are filled with fear and excitement; new teachers, new schedule, a new day. no more summer days of sleeping til the crack of 7am, watching cartoons until mom rolls out of bed at 1000. no more playing outside til dark. no more staying up until 10pm, begging for another story to be read.
my children, christian 7yrs and connor 10yrs old started that new day today. connor of course hid the fact he was just a little freaked out. at the ripe old age of 10, giving mom hugs and kisses is WAY not Cool. "my friends might see me mom!" is what I get instead. christian on the other hand fights back the tears and says I'm okay. although I know different, nd go back to his room to make sure he is not a ball of tears.
thankfully he is just playing away not really acknowledging me as he looks up. and while it stabs at my heart for just a minute, I am glad that he is strong enough to be himself and not cling to me for safety.
my boys are growing before my eyes and I cannot stop it. I can only prepare them for what lies ahead.

talking to much

I awoke after a really good nights sleep. feeling well rested, I got coffee and turned the computer on. upon checking my email I found an email from a fellow knitter telling me that my moebius was not really a moebius. I felt like a kid in school being scolded for not doing something right. the last time I checked there were no knitting police and that I could basically do what I wanted with my yarn. I really wanted to email her back and tell thanks for making me feel like shit, but getting angry was enough of a waste. the day progressed with checking facebook to see what the world was up to, while searching other sites. I spent part of the time looking for a job. yesterday I applied to tractor supply and was hoping that I might hear something from home depot. no luck. a little while ago I looked at Gods Message on FB. it was an eye opener because it told me that I needed to stop talking and start listening to God, He has been talking to me for awhile. I have spent some time just talking to Him, telling Him and asking Him what I was supposed to do and where did He want me to be. I have not stopped to listen. I have been allowing my worry and fear get the better of me and have not stopped. there is the verse "be still and know that I am God" I have it next to my bed, but I have not looked at it recently. I have forgotten to be still, to listen, to wait, and to give all of my fears to He who can heal me. The One person who could solve my issues, take care of me and who is in charge. I have taken back my Stuff, if I have even given anything to him. I am allowing myself to feel all of the worry and fears and I dont have to. letting go and allowing God to take over is the hardest thing to do. now I must really work at it. and I need to shut up....

back home

my husband went on his annual fishing/camping trip with his best buddies. he has been going on this adventure for the past 13 years. I was bestowed The Good Wife award the first year I was married, because I Let Him Go on the trip. initially it was very hard for me to say goodbye to him. he told me many times that he was going "not to get away" but to just be, and recenter himself within the world.after many years of him going on his trip, I read a christian book describing a mans need to go "into the wilderness;to hunt and fish because it was What Man Did. what he has known since the beginning of time. reading this made sense to me and helped my understanding of why my husband like to go. usually by midweek, the time away from him became easier and well, everyone knows what happens after humpday. the week goes by much quicker and so the time passed. I have never told him could not go and he has only missed 3 trips; one for each child and one year he went goose hunting to canada...eh.
for some reason this year was much easier. maybe it was that I was able to talk to him every day, sometimes twice a day. maybe it was because my boys were older and we just went out and did things together, whether it was running errands, or playing games. but this was the easiest year by far.

he returned early this morning and the vibe among the men was joy, the feelings of an enjoyable week filled with Male Bonding, great fishing, and just plain good times. I knew then and there that this was part of him, it was in his blood and no matter how much I did not want him to go, he always would. and he would come back a better man than when he left. and for that I am grateful.

observances

my children and I went to a local video game/fun place today. we went with the intent to have a fun day, since it had been a good week and I did not threaten them with death(their dad my hubby has been gone for a week)
they were extremely excited to be there as I had made them do work while at home. this was the day I promised them to have fun. not just running errands with mom and "not having any fun at all"
after getting tokens we went to work. connor or course went to the games where you can shoot and kill things, not really worrying about what tickets he got. I of course went to the ticket games, where winning is easy and you get flooded with tickets; enough for both children to get something Cool.
an hour later we had a stash of tickets to spend. as christian was playing the games, it ocurred to me that the playing was only a small part of the craigs cruisers experience. it was the Score at the end, the winnings. like the gambler that sits at the table, it is the thrill of the risk but it the payoff that they wait for. my children were in it for the payoff; the cool stuff waiting for them at the end. and the dreaded question....mom can I have more tokens?
I spent more money than I wanted to spend, but I figured, you are only young once, the summer is ending, and hey theyre my kids. another happy time they can remember later.

year number 14

Its been 14 years that my loving fisherman hubby has left me for the wilderness of northern minnisota. Great accolades were bestowed on me the first year he went, which just happended to be our first year of marriage. His friends said "wow your wife is letting you go??" My hubby and I have the kind of marriage that there is no "letting" each other do something we want to do. There is no Permission from the spouse. I do not rule over him and he does not rule over me. We talk about things. We have a partnership that has survived the Good, the Bad and the very very Bad.
He loves going on his annual trip with his friends up to the Boundary Waters Canoe Area. It took me a while to figure out and believe him when he said he was taking time for himself and not just getting away from me and eventually the children. This year was the easiest of the years. I still shed tears as did my oldest. Both of my children wanted to know why daddy had to go That Far Away. It is easier for my mind to comprehend the reasons why, but to explain to a 10 and 7 yr old, it can be difficult.
This trip has become a habit. I joke with jon and his best friend Patrick that they Will not go next year,and the cannot talk about the upcoming trip (next years) until at least May. But I know that if this trip did not exist, my hubby would not be the man I love nor would he be my Best Friend. We have grown together over the years in our understanding our each other. As I write this, he is probably sitting in his canoe with patrick having the time of his life. without a care in the worlk, catching fish after fish after fish. For this I am glad and satisifed that he is enjoying the company of his friends, the quiet mind clearing time that he so truly deserves.

being still

I was awake last night at about 1 am. laying in bed thinking and praying. well mostly thinking. I start to pray and then my mind wanders and I jump back to praying and the cycle just repeats itself until I fall asleep. but back to being awake. before I went to bed I read something that my husband was given. The sole purpose of the "article" was why this person had gone into karate. He mentioned learning how to be still. I realized that I have forgotten how to be still. I am the small child that has a problem (well okay more than one), giving it to God and then taking it back again because He is not going fast enough. I have not been still. I have spent my summer with part of me worrying about what is going to happen in the fall when my children go back to school and the other part enjoying my kids.
I have not let God take care of this. I keep saying that this is not my plan, that it is Gods and He knows what He is doing. But then the human side of me gets scared and starts worrying again, thereby taking back my problem. I must have faith that God will take care of me and my family; that He knows what is best for me and will guide me in the direction that He wants me to go. I must have faith and relearn how to be still and listen to what He says.

its that time of year again

well the school supplies are out and that tells me that school is right around the corner. the children are excited about bookbags and new crayons and such but I dont really think it has sunk in that school is right around the corner. my thoughts are that i can clean the house without anyone home. it will be the dog and me and all she does is just follow me around the house. I will have time to knit and crochet my heart out and be able to create the designs that have been housed in my head. i will miss the children, hearing the boys laugh and chase the chickens and hearing the chickens cluck because they are being chased. i will miss the ability to sleep until 10 am because the children have finally figured out how to be quiet in the morning. I will miss the boys.

But this is the time of year that the seasons change and so must I.I must change my view on grocery shopping, my life and what I am doing with my time. I dont have a job to go to per se. I have a knitting job with 4 twin sized blankets to knit or crochet. I need to concentrate more on what God wants for me and what direction He wants me to do in; if He thinks that i can make any money from my yarn creations or if I need to get a real job. the thought of going back to a nursing job doesnt sound like much fun and im quite adverse to doing that.
this year will bring more homework for the children and I will have to get organized in my brain, my home and my childrens life. and so I will concentrate on the days I have left with my kids while they are home. then it will be my turn to change

what is your calling?

I had coffee with a friend and former collegue yesterday. I guess you could say that she is Still my collegue cuz I'm still a nurse. Although my kids think I'm not a nurse anymore because I dont have a job. But anyway.....
Our conversations traveled the normal road of childern and family. But it also touched on us as nurses. We agreed that we felt that we were mediocre to good nurses who do a good job at taking care of patients. I have told myself that I am a good nurse but in the back of my mind there is always the little voice that says "really you think so". And always the fear that I am lying to myself and others and someone will find out my little secret. I know that I am good with the patients and try to bond with them in some way to make their time easier.
We also talked about having a "Calling". We alwasy wanted to Make a Difference in the world; to do something Great, something to be proud of.
I am proud of my children, because for me it is a great accomplishment. It will also show that by the time they reach adulthood, it is proof I didnt kill them.
I have thought about my Calling. What am I supposed to do with the time God has given me? Besides my children, I have done nothing that even relates to having a Calling. I am a nurse, but not all of the time. I am person who plays with yarn and creates beautiful things. What is a calling really??

dependence

I am not alone. I may think I am alone and so therefore can do most things on my own. There are alot of times that jon and I have to take care of alot of things ourselves. we have done that for most if not all of our marriage. we depend out ourselves to get things done. we make it work.
I am not by myself. Learning to depend on others, and asking for help is something I am not familiar with. It is a personal dependence that I have grown acustom to that has helped me get through most stages in my life.
I had to learn that I had to ask for help. my truck broke down in the Middle of NoWhere, and could not fix it myself. I called my dad, and he came out to help me. He towed my truck from NoWhere to Holland.
There is also the lack of dependence on God. I go about my life and forget. I think I can do it all, because I have done so in the past. I am sooo wrong, and in need of so much help.
I cannot function on my own without God. I am not whole without Him.
It is a simple problem that is huge and difficult to fix. giving up control of oneself and turning oneself over to God is most difficult. It is the admittance that I am human, I need guidance, I cannot be self sufficient.It is the remembering that God is always waiting for me to come to Him and just ask. He loves me for me despite the fact I am human and make so many mistakes. It is the falling to my knees in thankfulness, humbleness and repentance that forces me to let go.

water

water. it nourishes and cleanses the body. we need it to live, it makes us whole. the sounds of water trickling down a creek or a waterfall can calm a stressed person. the beauty of it is heaven to our eyes. one of Gods most awesome ideas. and with all the wonderful and beautiful things it can do and be, it can also be quite destructive.
it rained thursday night. we lost power. (we found out later) the pump was not correctly hooked up to the generator panel. we flooded. with one pump pumping , we watched the rain overflow the pond, flow into our backyard and become the cummings lake. we did everything we could at that time. and then we waited. we grouped as a family, staying in the family rooms, we tried to sleep and for awhile we did . broken rest not really enought to prepare us for the day of work ahead.
the next morning we awoke to find things floating but the pump still working. God was watching over us and we did not lose anything important in the flood. dad and mom in law came over to help and dad stayed all day. if not for him, we would have had more problems and headaches. we got the pump replaced, the entire basement vaccuumed and mostly dry.
we are reminded that we are not in charge and as much as we pray for one thing, God already has His plan in place. we are given the strength to manage through it all. the Grace of God shines again.

whole foods

i've been reading "Food Matters" by Mark Bittman. His book is quite interesting, but his thoughts are not new by any means. In my rewording, his book is about the rate at which the american public eats meat(including beef, pork, chicken and drinking milk) He states in his book that the average person eats about 90% junk food, foods high in fat, high in simple carbs and minimal plant food (beans).He also talks about how we have had to increase the number of cows, pigs and chickens to keep up with out need. He claims that we should eat 90% plant food(fruits, veggies, and plant protiens) and 10% meat protein.
I had been thinking about changing my diet and came upon this book at the library. His ideas made sense to me, seeing that I am no longer 18 and able to eat whatever I want.(without feeling crappy after)
He also says that instead of refined flours, simple sugars, and simple carbs we should be eating whole grains, brown rice, whole wheat bread. Several of my friends have had to radically change their diets because of health issues. I have decided to give this a chance. so far, I have felt better and have made healthier choices when going to restaurants. This is not a diet, but a lifestyle change.If it means that I feel better and am in better health,it is worth it. The key is to make healthy, sane choices about what I eat, but no to deprive myself of some of my favorites.
so far, its working. I'll keep you posted....

its a beeeootiful day in my neighborhood

well kiddies its the 4th of july and how did that happen??? it has been a wonderful day. I slept in LATE for the first time since I was a teenager which was a Really Long Time ago. Had an awesome breakfast of eggs with a ton of veggies in it. missed the farmers market cuz I slept in like a teenager. I left the boys at home to fix the chicken coop and I took myself downtown saugatuck to the art fair.
I had a great time looking at all of the peeps down there. the tourists are in prime season, black sox, large brimmed hats, puppies in carriers, oh and ice cream eating. love watching them....spend their money!
Anyway bought some art work from a really cool lady from winona lake indiana (nicole) and another nice lady I bought jewwlry from (sally from indianapolis in) They made my day cuz they were just so pleasant. Nicole has a etsy shop you should take a look at. www.artandsoulshop.etsy.com is her shop. she has quirky sayings on neat art!
the sun has been shining, the breeze is good and my boys had fun today. what more can i ask for on a holiday weekend?
oh by the way here is the yougurt recipe I promised. I have to give my friend Trish credit for this recipe.

yogurt recipe

take one gallon of milk (your choice)
put it in your crockpot (I have a large oval that works really well)
turn crockpot on high for 3 hours. (or till the temp reaches about 185)
turn the crockpot off until the temp reaches about 125. (I have had to take the lid off so the temp drops)
take 1-2 cups of milk out of pot, mix in storebought yogurt (one single serving size) and mix it back into the crockpot.(I have found that "dannon" like yogurt makes less creamy whereas useing the kids yogurt makes it really creamy) make sure the yogurt has active yogurt cultures. you can also buy the bacteria you need from the health food store.
take the crock part out, wrap it in 2-3 towels and let it sit for 8-12 hours. skim off excess water after it has been sitting for that amount of time and put your new yogurt in containers.
you can flavor the yogurt with fruit or just plain flavorings (vanilla, orange, lemon, raspberry)
enjoy!!!

so as the day is winding down and we have eaten dinner I have sent the boys out to fish again. My kitchen will get only so clean tonight, because my spinning wheel is calling me.....

whoaa!!!!

I cannot believe it is july 1 already!!! As everyone has said...Where did june go??? School just let out and the kids and I were just getting reaquainted again. Now it is july 1 and we are full swing. Swim lessons, making bread almost every day, making yogurt at least once a week(had a request for that recipe and I will give in the next post. which will prob be later today) oh and being secretary for the karate club that I help run. Of course this is not including the taxi service that I offer my childre, and the trips to the store to feed said children. They are going to need to get a job just to feed them! Boys.....
I have not blogged, knit for any length of time, or spun in the past couple of days. Then someone introduced me to Ebay(yes I am late in getting into the whole ebay thing. thats me a day late and couple dollars short) Now Im watching stuff on ebay.....what has my world come to? I'm more busy since not having a job (outside the home of course)
The chickens are still alive and must soon go out to the condo because of too much partying at 2 am! They will move out this weekend and hopefully the coon that got the first batch wont get the second batch! I would love to get goats.....

are ya ready for the next recipe???

okay kiddies...are ya ready for the next installment of non toxic homemade cleaning recipes??? this recipe I got from the Readers Digest Homemade book. I changed it to my own specifications and added some extra stuff. this recipe also works in the dishwasher quite well. kinda cool I think.
Scouring Powder
1 cup baking soda
1 cup borax
1 cup washing soda
1 cup salt (either regular table or large crystal salt)
mix all together and place in a closed container. use as you would other store bought scouring powder.

since using this recipe I have found that whatever I use it on seems cleaner than with the other stuff. maybe it is because I made it myself and that makes me feel better. it doesnt burn your hands either.

I could get on my soapbox (hahahaha funny!) and say that I use this because it is good for the environment, the septic tank, etc. but honestly I use it because it saves me money. whether or not I get a job right away when the kids go back to school, I will still continue to use this stuff. there is no need to use the toxic stuff when you can make it yourself and save a few bucks a month.
stay tuned for more........

way back in time

before I lost my job to the Big Wigs, jon and I had been starting to look at how we could save money. we thought about not buying as much groceries, but the kids didn't like only eating once a day. and they got grumpy...eating the cat and dog were out of the question, cuz theres only two of them and frankly not knowing how to cook good chinese food, that wasnt gonnna work either. not being able to drink (you know DRINK) was Completely Out of the Question! many other things came to mind but none were anything we could comfortably live with.
Laundry detergent came to mind. I made my first batch and it lasted probably a couple of months(I dont have a specific time cuz I didnt write it down) next came counter cleaner, then came dishwasher cleaner and then a "comet" like cleaner. I also make my own bread (which I will happily sell to any of you!!) , my own yogurt, and some other stuff too. the first recipe I will share is my detergent. now I have to say that the second batch turned out differently than the first, but it still works just as well.
1 quart of water
2 c borax
2 c washing soda
2 c grated soap (I used soap flakes from a company in GR, but then this time I used ivory)
1 c baking soda
melt all together then add 2 gal water.
now the prob I had with this was as it cooled all of the components came together in one large thick block. I remelted it and the same thing happened. I then broke it up with my hands, squishing it thru my fingers. then I got smart and used my handmixer and it broke it up.
when i use it now all I need to do is just mix it before I put it in the washer.
If you have any questions contact me via this blog.
good luck and happy washing
more recipes to come.......

slow day today

today is wednesday or hump day. finally a day that I dont have to go anywhere or do anything for anyone else. not that I mind helping others, its just that the past week or so has been busy; emotionally and physically. the sky is blue with occas clouds and the kids are outside. the dog of course will not go outside without me, she is that attached to me.
ooooohhhhh and tonight I get to have some cathey time with my friend suzie. I recently got hooked up with her and her sheep. but thats another story for the other blog.(which by the way is catsyarnaddiction.blogspot.com(check it out!!)
now that the kids are out of school, me time is all but gone unless I go out at night. and since I have not done that in A LONG TIME, it kinda feels wierd. but if im gonna be A Good Mom, I need some Adult Conversation with someone other than my hubby.
so today I get a break from being a helper and I dont have to go anywhere, so im gonna spend some time with the kids and digging in my yard.

in the circle of care

so we had to send my mother in law to the hospital again. this time she ended up staying over night and had a stress test this morning. she passed the test with flying colors. the doc said he did not think the chest pain was caused by the heart. she went home with a prescription for prilosec otc and nitroglycerin. it is still odd for me to be in the position that I am in. I spent so much time as the RN at the ED, watching other family members be in the circle of care. I was removed from the money earning care setting and now am in the family care circle. jon (my hubby) and I are the only ones that bev(my mother in law) has to depend on. we are it. we are the ones that she calls when she is in need. this is also a turn around situation for my hubby; her son. now he is the "parent" and we are making sure she is safe, we remember for her when she doesnt remember all of the events leading up to where she is now. life takes a 180 degree turn.........

and so I've decided....

I took the jump and started a new blog. I have the same fears about the new one as I did about the old one...will anyone read it, will anyone care, will anyone find that they have to go to the blogspot and find out what cat has posted or if she has any cool pics? I do hope that someones reads it and finds it interesting. I chose to start the second blog for my yarn addictions, hence cats yarn addiction. word of mouth or in this case typing of the fingers is the best way to get things around.
This is the window that was left open for me (to squeeze thru) and it is allowing me to fly.
follow me and my adventures at catsyarnaddiction.blogspot.com

friday, day 2

today is the second day of summer break. the gremlins last day was wednesday. they had a half day; like that was necessary. it is no longer quiet in my house in the mornings. so far I have heard I'm bored twice from my youngest. there have been grumblings between them. my oldest gets mad and frustrated because his little brother doesnt always do what he wants him to do.
My schedule is to say the least is very different. the days of being able to sit at the computer for at least an hour in the morning while I have coffee and eat breakfast (while sharing my toast with my 150lb lap dog) and then knitting or spinning while watching law and order, or gone. now I am not saying I dont like having my boys home. thats not it. its the change we have to go through sometimes when you least expect it.
I also found myself in the caregiver role with my mother in law. Not as a nurse but as the family member, in a hospital setting. I have been a part of the whole senario while working in the ED. Now I am in that position. It feels weird.
and so my days go....

I'm here, where are you?

I had coffee with a good friend of mine this morning. She looked just awesome. we talked about various things and as she said "out conversation is very schizophrenic" and I said "look theres a chicken". we have matching senses humor, and I love that about her. I can say anything and she will come back with something that is thoughtful and sarcastic all rolled into one. not many people like us out there.
which brings me to me. I saw an old "friend" this past weekend., we lost touch after her and her hubby got divorced. it was awkward to say the least, but I realize now that people put alot into appearances. It got me thinkg about what I looked like and what others think of me. and now I ask...what does it matter? I am who God made me and I have shaped the person into someone I can live with. I will always think I am fat no matter how much I weigh, but I can look in the mirror and be okay with how my hair looks, and the clothes I wear. I doesnt matter what I look like, what does matter is that I have kept Gods initial layout of the me on the inside: the love I give, the passion I have, the dedication and loyalty and the peace and love of God.
When I first started this blog I was mad. and I wanted others to know how mad I was and for everyone to read and comment on my blog. I guess if you want to read it thats cool, if ya wanna post a comment great or if ya just wanna think about what I have written thats fine too. enjoy the words and thoughts.

in loving memory......

many tears have been shed today. my feisty, naughty once bitchy cat, lizzy, died in my arms today after a very short illness. She wad been doing well up until about 2 weeks ago, when I noticed she was very thin. Things progressed very quickly, and today she went to kitty heaven.
jon and I got lizzy and boo almost 15yrs ago. I remember calling him and telling him the kittens were running around the house and I could not control them. I learned that sometimes you just have to enjoy what you cannot control. Lizzy was a beautiful multi breed cat, that we rescued along with her sister. I will miss her sassy meow, her multi toes and the way she looked at me with her "I dont give a shit look"
I held her as her spirit drifted heavenward on her way to play with all the other cats that gone before her. She will be terribly missed and always loved.

rain and tears today

welcome to michigan...the state where in the same week we can have 80 degree weather and snow a few days later. Gracie is back on the couch in her fave spot (looking outside waiting for something exciting to happen) and I am at the computer, checking out the world. the driveway is wet from the rain and today the windows are closed because of the drop in temp. Gracie would rather have the window open so she can sniff.
My feisty, once bitchy 14 yr old cat lays in a box on my computer desk. She is dying. Her once fat fluffy body has wasted away to skin, bones and fur. I know she is breathing because I can hear her and I can see her tummy rise(19 yrs of nursing taught me that) She has succumbed to an illness that I can only assume is diabetes. As Christian said to me the other day, today she will go to kitty heaven and be with Jesus.
If she is still alive this afternoon, I will take her to the vet, cradle her in my arms and hold her as she goes to kitty heaven. peace my little furry friend, you will be missed......

insight

The sun is out, but the breeze is kinda chilly. Gracie is laying on the couch next to my computer desk, sleeping. I like listening to the windchimes outside my window and the birds that are singing. the flag flys in the wind waving the red and white stripes. I have been out of the nursing world since the end of january. My life has been slower and much less stressed. I have enjoyed not being at the hospital and having to deal with all the people who dont need to be there and all of the politics of those who work there. I find it very uncomfy to go back there even if it is just to bring my hubby lunch. I dont belong there anymore. and I'm okay with that.
God has a plan for my life, a road that I never would have traveled had I stayed at the hospital. A lesson, sure, a new way of life, absolutely, calmer, oh my gosh yes. At peace, at ease, grounded, being still.

oh I love to clean!

and if you believe that statement, I have swamp land in montana for sale!
I had more done this morning than I did yesterday. I sat my butt at the Computer yesterday researching websites. Research for what you might ask....I am going to sell my knitting creations. There I SAID IT.. I let it out. my fear has stopped me from saying outright. the thought of jumping off of the Cliff of the Unknown terrified me... and still does. My goal now is to make enough Things to then try to sell them. which gets me back to the cleaning...I cleaned all morning and never got the chance to knit. and now I need to change my clothes and get my kids. the yarn that calls me will be in my hands tonight; along with a glass of wine...and some fighting show my husband will be watching.sigh....

Its Monday

Good Morning Monday. My children are back at school and the house is quiet save for the noise of the dishwasher. It is just me and the dog today. I planned to clean but I think I might just snit (sit and knit) today instead. Last night I was working on another headband (long this time) and the pattern and yarn made me very frustrated. After putting it back in the knitting bag, I decided to not knit it again until the feeling of wanting to throw it across the room went away. The stash is full, there will be another yarn calling my name. Another pattern will present itself and the yarn will wind itself into my fingers; allowing it to be played with and turned into Something Beautiful. My eyes view things differently now, seeing the outside not as just grass and sky, but as something that could be designed into wearable art. My thinking must now be outside of the Box. The Box that causes me to be safe and sound in my thoughts and creativity.
It's time to free the right side of my brain and let the creative juices flow.

foriegn words

jon and I took the kids to see the BIG BIG BUGS at the Grand Rapids museum last night.I have to say that the bugs were really cool, especially when they are quite a bit bigger than me. we actually took pics and sent them to the little guy( a friend of ours) and told him the bugs were at his house. despite the fact that we had a really good time not only as a family but also with seeing the museum. I bet we missed about half of the museumm itself.
now to the foreign words....when did saying please, thank you and excuse me become words that are not taught to childrem? and when is it okay to let your children scream at the dinner table? (in a crowded place) when did become okay to NOT say anything to your children when they push in front of someone? I found the manners of the children and their parents absolutly awful and abhorent! Manners are so simple but have been lost amongst video games and after school activities. are manners not politcally correct anymore, have they become offensive to people? I dont get it. our children are the future...so what does our future look like?

of late...

I am here and doing quite well. I have not found a job yet and to tell you the truth, I am not worried. I know that this is Gods plan and whatever He wants me to do I will do. I have come to the conclusion that I am not a nurse at the depths of my soul. Being a nurse was something I did for the past 19 years and I think I did quite well. But now it is a time for a change. I am in the proces of personal evolution. It could turn out to be a really adventurous and awesome path, or I could fall flat on my face. Time will tell.

just crap

I have been thinking for the past few days about what I could bitch about. I could go on and on about how I started walking on the treadmill (finally) and then at the end of the week, the sore throat started. I then awoke on saturday feeling like every joint had been bent backwards and the sore throat was not sore anymore but it felt like someone was ripping my throat thru by mouth and letting it phwap back into place. And now I have a nice little viral cough that makes me cough so hard I think that my lungs are coming out thru my ribs and my vocal cords are getting stretched out my nose. I could bitch about how everytime I start an exercise plan it gets thwarted by something( dont you like the word thwarted)
But I have chosen to write about waiting. My friend trish is waiting for a zipper to come in the mail so she can finish her sweater. My other friend, rob is waiting for his mother to stop being a bitch ( will never happen). Hamster is waiting for the chemo to be done and get the all clear from her doc that she is cancer free. cuz then she can start really living without the cape of cancer hanging over her.
and what am I waiting for you ask? a plan. a direction. a nudge. I was turned down for 2 jobs; one because I had too much experience and the other because I did not have enough. when I found about the second the initial thought was oh fuck now what. But this road is not on my map and is not guided by me. I have no idea what is around the next rock. It could be a very pissed off bear, cat or like in the cartoons one of those anvils that will squash me flat. Or it could be a rainbow with a pot of gold. Dont know. Thats the mystery of our Lord. He does things when we least expect it and are not really prepared for it. So here I sit waiting; going about my daily stuff. Cleaning the toilets, baking stuff so I can save money, and knitting. (thats a fun way to pass time) waiting...we all wait for something dont we?
"For I know the plans I have for you..."

cocoon

The past few weeks have been interesting, to say the least. My road has been rocky and uneven, causing me to trip and stumble. I have made it through the really bumpy parts and am now sitting on a rock, waiting. I am waiting for Gods plan to come to fruition. It was not my doing to lose the safety of the ER, as some paperwork that I have seen recently says. I had no plans of changing my life so drastically to cause such a tornado of emotions or the upheaval it caused my family. I am sure there are some people in the ER that are happy I am gone. I was a renegade in some respects. I worked hard for my patients at any cost. And I went against the grain of the Holland way. For those who truly miss me, I'm sorry I left. The department is quiet now.But anyway, I have survived to tell my story and I did not give up or hide under a rock placing blame on anyone else.
I realized today that I placed myself into a self made cocoon.I crossed the rocky road and when I felt safe enough, I wrapped myself tight to heal. I stayed within the confines of my world, only coming out when I needed to. God wrapped me as well. He wrapped His arms around me, holding me tight, to feel safe, loved, and strengthened. I am so grateful. I am at the point of growth, like the world right now; the earth is coming alive, the birds are awake and singing, the breeze is just a little warmer. I am feeling more alive and renewed. God has been caring for me, allowing me to hibernate and recoup. Just like the butterfly who has been pent up in its cocoon, I am spreading my wings, venturing out, remembering who I am in Christ, and the friends who I have missed. I fear for the unknown, but God will never leave me alone or on my own. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Thanks be to God

what the???

Ok this isthe second time I have composed this. I tried before and the computer was not connected to the internet. fucking computer.
I got a letter yesterday from a company I applied to for a job. I was told from the Great Interviewer that I would receive a call letting me know how I did on the tests. And you ask tests? Yes they are the tests That Show Us How Much You Know. I went into this place for an interview. when I got there I was given tests to take. At one point I thought maybe I should not be a nurse anymore! Really. So I finished the tests and left. I got this letter yesterday and it said the following..."You experience and expertise dont match with any of our patients at this time" WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!?!?!?!?!? The person in me who sees the glass as half full thought AM I THAT STUPID! Should I be a nurse any more? After 19years someone along the way would have said "hey stupid stop being a nurse" Then I got a grip on my undies and thought no wait I'M TOO SMART FOR THEM! Thats gotta be it! There is no one sick enough for me to care for. And lets face it, they send sick people home but no one THAT sick. And really, I would be bored and waiting for something really cool to happen. highly unlikey. There are some who think that home health is the greatest thing since stretch pants. And that great but I guess its not for me.
I have said from the beginning and after THE FIRING that God will put me where I need to be and now I know it is not with the home sick. It must not be for me. So I wait for my AWESOME JOB trying to think of what I can do with my new free time. I have been knitting and cleaning (ew). I know that pole dancing is out of the question cuz you cant wear stretch pants, but maybe I can knit a thong or two and sell them online......

may I introduce the boys...

these are my boys.Besides their dad, they are the loves of my life. The two little people in my life that make me proud, cause me joy, make me laugh and some days make me drink. Oh and cause me to have silver hair. I dont have cool silver hair either. Not like my second cousin who has this really cool stripe down her head. No I get silver speckled on the sides and thru the top. no one says they can see it but I know it is there. Really it does not bother me so much. What bothers me more is the natural color of my hair, mouse shit brown. Oh but I have gotten off the boys. The larger of the two is Connor and he is 9yrs. The smaller is Christian and he is 6yrs. Now connor makes me tired. He and I are alot alike and usually butt heads. Christian is quiet and he plays right into whatever I need him to do and in most situations he will see his brother get into trouble and be the good one. Connor gets pissed easily but he also can be the nicest and most loving boy there is. Christian snuggles. I cant believe they are a big as they are. where did the time go? How was I lucky enough to get these two? what did I do to deserve them? My boys....

I wave the white flag

you might have seen it but I started to wave the white flag. you know the one. when you have just had ENOUGH and you need the bricks to stop falling on your head, you need the quick sand to harden so you stop falling down, you need the world to just stop. Our problems are relative. what we find to be highly stressful someone else may not even balk at. my friend has cancer. to me that is big. bigger than what I am going through. and yet my stress still sucks and seems like there is a mountain looming over my head and I cant get a break. I realized that my stress comes from me not trusting in God like I should be. there is a poem that says that we has humans are supposed to give all of our crap to God, but when we feel like He is not doing enough, we dtry to take it back. and we try to fix it ourselves. I took it back. and I have been paying for it. hence the white flag. can you see it waving? can you feel the breeze? I can. I allowed myself to take my shit back and try to fix it myself. For that Lord I am sorry. I am truly sorry and I humbly repent. (from my episcopal days). it is easy to forget and just go on with our days, to think that we can just do it ourselves. but the fact of the matter is He is our life and He has the control and will take care of us. He makes the sun rise and fall. He is my comforter, my Father, my source of strength. with Him I can do anything.....

Holland sucks less than........

We all know about the survey that named Holland as the 2nd happiest town in the country. Boulder Colorado was the first. Not sure how that happened but it did. I have never been there so I really dont have any comments. Now I have talked to 2 groups of friends. The first wanted to know who "they" spoke with that gave them the idea that Holland was a happy place. The three of us are not the typical Holland residents; we are not dutch. (which when I first moved here was told if you're not Dutch you're not much) My response at that time was the same as it is now, yea whatever.
My other friend and I talked about it today over some very important yarn and she had a different viewpoint. She says that she is happy here in Holland. The other side of that coin is that she still feels like a transplant as do I. So we came up with this: Holland is the second less suckiest place to live in under Boulder, of course. So I guess if that was your view that Holland could very well be considered a happy place to live. I just wish more people in Holland were happy and not afraid to be themselves and not what they think they should be.
My husband pointed out that I started this blog about the same time that this survey came out. Define irony.
On a sillier note, have you ever noticed that a cow can only give you an evil eye out of one eye?

click on the ads!

so I went on a job interview today. I had to get big girl pants, cuz after 2 kids, nothing fit anymore. I went the kaki pants route because ya know everything matches kaki. I looked as professional as I could and I'll have you know I was nice. I did not swear or use bad language. By the fact I went on a job interview I still dont have a job; at least one outside of the home. I spoke with my old boss and she asked me if she could do anything. my response was of course GIVE ME MY JOB BACK!!! yeah that did not happen, otherwise I would say HEY I GOT MY JOB BACK!!!! she did offer me chocoate but because I gave up sweets and desserts for Lent, chocolate was out. We already have discussed the whole swearing thing and how its not working. I then asked her for money. nope did not happen either.
So here is the point of the blog...CLICK ON MY ADS!!!!!! you see if you click on the ads, I might get money. And I need money right now. street walking came to mine, pole dancing also came to mind. but I dont like seeing me naked, dont think anyone else wants to either. now that I have left you with THAT image, have a good night.

heres to you my friend

my friend hamster (amy) has breast cancer. she has been fighting the life altering disease since about last november (hamster forgive me for getting the dates wrong). I have toasted her in her blog (fightinglikeagirl-amy.blogspot.com) many times because I admire her in how she has dealt with her disease and how it has changed her life and her families. I recently made changes in my blog and added some new stuff. I was never a real "go pink" person. truthfully I hate the color pink. and anyone who knows me knows I am not a pink person. but since hamster was diagnosed with breast cancer, I have supported her and her fight to live. she is a testiment to how strong one needs to be when faced with a life altering illness. I know she is blessed by Gods love and she will win this fight! so heres to you my friend. SALUTE!!!

meet my teacher

so meet my new teacher. Trish! everyone say hello to trish! this is not a addictions group so we dont have to say what we are addicted to. I am addicted to yarn so there is mine. I thought I had my blog all figured out (like I have anything figured out) and she taught me how to imbed my pics in the blog. she is just an awesome friend and we are such in the same place right now. so now I know how to do cool things.
new topic....today is the start of lent. I told my children I would give up cursing for the 40 days. so far today I have sworn 10 times. I dropped my kids off at school and yelled a driver. that was number 3. I have apologized to God and asked for forgiveness.I think He is laughing at me and this morning He snorted milk out of nose. Oh the thought of the Lord laughing at me is just so humbling!
by the way holland was picked at the second most happy place to live. I wonder who they talked to.....

humbled

I went to michigan works to register for unemployment. It was a humbling experience to be one of "those" people. I actually saw someone I knew (he did not know me and by the way I felt better seeing him) and I did a double take. Unlike most of the people there, I was not layed off, I was fired. And it was my fault. I do take ownership of my wrongdoing. Unfortunately, some of the prevoious warnings were bullshit and should not have been recognized, but it is what it is. I think it was a way to get me gone. Not that I am paranoid, just saying what I think.
Speaking of what I think, no one has to agree with me. I will say exactly what I mean and I mean what I say. I walk the talk. This blog contains my thoughts, ideas and feelings. It is not my intention to piss anyone off, but if that happens, so be it. Everyone is allowed opinions (except if you live in Holland) and is able to express them. I am not saying mine are right they are just my own. Make comments if you wish. Say what you want. thats what I am doing.
anyway back to michigan works...did it, done it, got a receipt for it.

big ferocious dog

this is my first attempt to put a picture from my computer onto my blog. I feel so smart! no not really, but this whole blog thang is making me use the computer way more than I ever have. My friend trish (picture coming later) got me started and told me it was easy to put pics on flckr and then to my blog.
So this is the first pic and it is of my big ferious dog, gracie. She will run to you with tongue hanging out and lick you to death. then she will put her head between your legs like she wants to do something not right, and she only wants you to scratch her ass. When she barks it comes from the deepest part of her being. And as she is doing so she is wagging her tail. With her around, the boys and the hubby, she fits right in with her burping and farting. oh and I just changed her dog food and her gut has not gotten used to it yet so her ass smells like something crawled up there and died. thank goodness for lysol.

JPN

For those of you who dont know what the above stands for it is Just Plain Nuts; aka JFN (just fucking nuts). these terms are used in any emergency department and refer to those people who are just plain fucking nuts! you know the people (mostly relatives at holiday parties) who say they are dying at every get to gether. the people who come in to the ED every week, or every night as the case may be. They use "WEB MD" as their personal dr and then come into to the ED with the EXACT signs and symptoms. The ones who come into the ED and complain of several different things that lead to nothing. Absolutely NOTHING wrong with them .
Then of course there are the really crazy people. they are just plain fun! (not the depressed people, they are no fun at all, they cry) but the ones who hear voices and such. Now I bring this but because as most of you know I am just a little off kilter. stop laughing. I also applied at Pine Rest. okay now really stop laughing!
When I worked in the ED I got along with the JPNs quite well. I wonder if that says anything about me?

snow day

I awoke this morning to the phone ringing. In my sleepy stupor I stumbled to the phone and tried to push the talk button. I instead hit the redial (damn phone) and caused the phone to dial instead of hear the message. I stumbled back to bedroom, opened the bathroom door and mumbled something to my husband about the phone ringing and school being closed. Of course I was not about to actually get up out of bed, go to the TV OR computer to see for myself. I went back to bed. Jon (the hubby) left and came back in and said, I turned the boys' alarm clocks off, NO SCHOOL.
So the children are both home today. The good thing about that was I could stay in bed a little longer. YIPPEE!!! Ya know this not working is tiring. Today we have finished their valentines boxes(duct tape and gorilla glue all the way!!), made cupcakes for tomorrow and rolls for jons potluck. I swear those people at his work have potlucks every 2 weeks!!! THe children are watching cartoons for awhile and this is the only time they have not wanted to kill each other. I threatened them with throwing them outside without snow clothes on . kids.....at least it is NOT swowing.
oh and the children will go to school tomorrow only to have WINTER BREAK FROM FRIDAY TO TUESDAY! who needs a winter break anyway? certainly not them!!!
next time I will tell you stories about cockroaches. did you know baby roaches can fly?

my monster is out there somewhere....

I am unemployed and have been for about the past 2.5 weeks. It felt odd of course, like thinking (on the days I was SUPPOSED TO WORK) I know I have somewhere to go today..oh no I am UNEMPLOYED!!! I have no one to blame but myself, really. It's kind of hard for me to not piss anyone off. It's not like I try (well sometimes I do but not this time). So back to being without somewhere to go to earn money to pay bills. I went to Monster.com and filled out the questionaire. My profile was only "medium strength". Like it wasn't powerful enough to set the glitter ball off or the sirens?! And when I filled out the skill section I only got one star, like my job could be done by a monkey!!! well maybe a trained monkey...
So now I am officially on the web cybering around waiting for the computer program to match me with my perfect job. everyone knows that the perfect job is staying home AND getting paid. Like that's gonna happen.
I'll let you know if you monster comes knocking at my door. hopefully I dont pull out my husbands .357.
....now that would be difficult to explain

not computer savvy

I decided that I would be really cool and go to my friends blogspot (fighting like a girl-you should read it sometime) and try to get those really colorful backgrounds. I am NOT computer savvy, I mean I usually screw around with all the buttons until what I want to happen happens. It says to copy and paste and do ya THINK I CAN COPY AND PASTE? I sat here for I dont know how long trying to get the fricken computer to do what I want. I realized I was not asking the right questions. stupid me!
so my kid is doing math homework and making all sorts of noise (anyone who knows my kid, the oldest one by the way, CAN NEVER BE QUIET) and what I did on the computer finally worked and I screamed. Scared the crap out of him and the dog. YEE HAA IT WORKED!So now I have this cool background and I did it all by myself.
I did nothing much today, I naggybitched yesterday, so I took the day off. damnit!
oh thanks to "the coolest blogspot on the block" for my colors!!!

never thought I would do this

so here I am, 40 years old, unemployed and blogging for the first time. I never thought I would do this and always thought that if you had time to blog, you had too much time. but alas I have joined the cyber world of writing about my life. I make no excuses for what I think or how I put into words. I cuss, I speak my mind and so therefore I apologize for nothing. my opinions are not of the conformist kind. I clash with alot of people who dont understand me and I really don"t care. I did not grow up in this area and for that I have not made some people happy. Again, I don't care what they think of me. Oh and by the way , those who don't understand me never took the time to find out who I was and how I got the way I am. they can all piss off as far as I am concerned. I know who my true friends are.
so here I am, the mother of 2 boys and the wife of a husband who tolerates my yarn stash. He thank goodness has loved me from the beginning and has been a saint. Sometimes I don't know why he stayed. but enough for now. I have to go do something productive. thank you naggybitch!